Most of you already know this, but art and emotion occupy the same space.  When I'm good, I'm good. Of course, there's the flip side of the coin. When I'm bad, I'm really bad. Hell, I'm terrible. It's like a double edged sword. 

When rummaging in the gutters of depression (or whatever this shit is), it's hard for me to produce anything. Putting pen to paper is difficult and it's been like that for a while now. Months----going on a year. It's definitely fuckin' up my reputation as an artist, not that I'm an industry pro or anything, but still... Ultimately, it's messing me up as a man.  

It's hard to kick this shit. It's like being in a haze. Everyday, it's getting harder to pretend that I'm good. Going through the motions of me, well... it doesn't feel like me one bit. The main thing that gets me is when people act like I have it good. Like my situation is peaches and creme and I don't have a damn thing to worry about. I'm beyond angry, I can't even see them right now. All I can say is walk a mile in my shoes before you write me off as decent.

I'm tired of letting people down---the folks that want to collaborate with me---the ones that actually give a damn. I'm tired of letting myself down... It's hard to sleep, hard to think---hard to do anything. 

I need something good to happen very soon, especially when it comes to the financials. The money situation is the nucleus of all this crap that's going on with me. No money, but there's a truckload of debt (thank you, Sallie Mae). Whether it's a 9 to 5 job or winning the lottery, I need positive change. I need to be me again. I want to be happy, or, at the very least, content. I'll settle for content... I'll settle for mediocrity because it's better than what I have right now. 

I'm just tired.