September | 2009 | Jack_Hawksmoor's Xanga Site

For those of you following me on Twitter, you may have briefly scanned my tweet about an incident on the subway earlier in the morning. I'm just going to elaborate on it...

After spending the night over my brother's place and eating a good breakfast, it was time for me to head home. I had a few projects to finish, after all. I was thinking in my head that the fastest and safest route from point A to point B was the subway. Boy, was I wrong. Hell, I was in for a rude awakening.

I get on the train and normally I try to get in the front or middle carts. The logic behind this is that, from personal experience, people tend to be more rowdy in the last few carts. I don't know why it's like that, but I don't argue with the rules. Unfortunately, I decide to break tradition and boarded the very last cart. For some reason, the sight of the thing being empty was enticing (not to mention rare). So I get on and sit down, trying to enjoy my Green Tea Arizona. Then it happens.

The next stop, some homeless guy get's on the train. The FUNK from this guy was unbelievable, but I held my breath, hoping that he just goes all the way to the back. Instead, he stand in front of me, asking for money. Normally, I would have given the guy some spare change, but I declined. I'm not sure why I did that...maybe I just thought he would go away faster. Wrong! The homeless guy noticed my Green Tea and asked for that, too. I declined on that, also. By that time, the funk was getting to me, so I moved down the cart, far enough to get away from the guy. He stayed in middle. At that point, things seemed to be under control.

A few stops later, the motherfucker lays down on the seats. I'm assuming he's about to go to sleep. From a distance, I could see him doing something with his zipper---maybe a few adjustments here and there. Things like that happen. Moments pass and I still see a lot of movement in the zipper area. I don't know why it took me so long to figure out what he was doing. I personally blame my naivety and the constant need to give people the benefit of doubt. The son of a bitch was shamelessly mastubating. Thank goodness I moved down to the end of the cart, but it wasn't enough. I had to get off that cart and sit next to people. I didn't care if I sat next to a Nazi or a zombie.

I got up with haste and crossed to the cart in front. I cleverly looked back to see if he got up, too. Guess what. He did. I saw some folks and sat next to them, hoping that the funky-homeless-masturbating-guy would move on. As it turned out, this fucker actually was following me. He sat down in a seat in front me and started to pick his nose. I started to panic. Under normal circumstances, fighting would be safe choice because if a guy has the nerve---the balls to do that, he needed to get his ass kicked. On the other hand, this dude was HOMELESS. There's no way in hell I want to even touch the bastard, let alone trade fist. That's unnecessary funk I would be exposed to and there's a good chance he's a walking AIDS factory. He just got done playing with his dick, too. Punching his lights out was off the table. Instead of confronting him and asking questions, a few thoughts entered my head. I had a few bucks on me. Bribing him to go away seemed like a nice option. At the same time, why reward the fucker? Why get him use to the idea of gaining cash for bothering people? Could have moved to the next cart again, but the process would have repeated. City Hall came up and it hit me like a block of ice in the desert.

I pretended to get off at City Hall by grabbing my stuff and sitting up. The homeless fuck got up and proceeded to follow me off the train. In a split second, I stopped while he kept going and stayed on the train. Meanwhile, I could see him actually looking for me. For some sick and twisted reason, the train decided to take forever to pull off. Normally, when it stops to let people on and off at a station, it takes 20 seconds at the most. I was waiting for the damn doors to close for over 40 seconds, hoping that he wouldn't come back in. My options were running thin and I was out of tricks.

Finally, the doors close and the train pulls off. I check to see if he boarded on the carts in front of me, but he was nowhere in sight. I was happy. In fact, I started to tell the people sitting next to me about my little nightmare. Whoever was willing to listen, I didn't give a shit---I just wanted to talk to normal people. One guy chuckled at my brief recap, but I didn't tell him about the "jerking off" part. That's no laughing matter, I can assure you. As Dave Chappelle cleverly put it, the last thing anybody wants is a homeless guy biologically attacking them. [link]

In the interest of passing on years of knowledge, I'm going to give you a few tips on subway survival in Philadelphia (in case you ever decide to visit this dump):

You want to be in the middle. It's safer because the end of the carts can be rowdy and possibly harbor the homeless, but the same could be said for the few in the front. It's rare for the front to have trouble, but it happens. If you're in the 1st cart, try to score a seat near the driver.
Have some spare change ready, so you don't have to dig in your pockets for a long time. There's a good chance that said homeless person stinks and the fumes could literally stay with you all day long. Having spare change ready for a quick release will cut the waiting time in half and they'll leave you alone. I carry 85 cents with me everywhere I go.
If you have any drinks or food open, put it away before Stinky spots it. You're not really suppose to eat on the train anyway.
If Stinky spots you with food or beverage and asks for it, give it up. The thing about this is that a Quarter Pounder with cheese isn't worth harassment from some homeless guy. Just give him the damn burger and proceed to move to the next cart.
If movies teach you anything, its not really safe to be alone. In this case, it's not safe to be alone on the subway. Move to an area that has people. If anything, they can be witnesses. On a good day, you may get backup from a good samaritan.
Travel with a friend. Safety in numbers works well in public transportation. Half the bastards won't even think about starting shit if you have company.
If you don't have a contamination suit on you, hand sanitizer is the next best thing. Since homeless people dwell in the subway, passing their filthy germs all over the place, it's best to keep some of that hand sanitizer on you. I recommend Purell.
The freaks come out at night, so handle your business in the day time. Once the lights go out, people who like to start shit come out like roaches with the light off. Some shit can go down during the day, but it goes a lot better when the sun is out. There's definitely less drunks around.
If you think somebody is about to move in on you and start trouble, make a temporary friend by starting a conversation with the closest person near you. Sit next to them and talk about anything. If they have a Penn State bag or an Eagles jersey or a wedding ring, talk about that. Pretend you know them from somewhere and ask questions about high school or something. Make up shit because the odds of someone interrupting your conversation to cause trouble is extremely rare, especially if you look like you're really into it. If you really feel like you're in danger, let the person you're having a conversation with in on your little game. If anything, they'll play along long enough for the danger to pass.
Drive a car to avoid the subway altogether. It's just plain smart.