It's somewhat stressful warding off depression, even more so with jealously. Most of you who know me are aware that I didn't graduate from "art school." Hell, I only mention my grievances every couple of minutes, I'm sure you had some inkling of my situation. I've been going at it from the very traditional method of learning the rest on my own---the "School of Hard Knocks." Of course, when seeing a friend, an illustration major with a fresh degree, get a wave of opportunities, I end up hating myself. I want to be happy for this person, but there's this thing inside me that wants to turn over a table and rampage through the city. 

Getting a degree is hard. Pick any major, you not only have to pay for that piece of paper, but you also have to work your ass off for it. That's the unfortunate basis for higher education and everyone should be commended for their efforts, especially if they make it all the way through. On the other hand, it's art and most of the success should come from talent. It's great to have a degree to back up those talents, but the guy or girl that lacks the credentials shouldn't be kept on the bench. I'm watching my friend get so many offers from different companies, collectors, commissions, and even magazines. I can't help but feel a little jealous.

This person has talent and I'm not knockin' anything about them. I'm the one that's fucked up because... shit.. I guess you can say that I'm in a dark place. I see a fountain of opportunities flowing for this person while I'm stuck here, struggling like nobody's business. I should be extremely happy for this person because they deserve all the good things coming their way. I'm just a mess because I shouldn't want to punch a hole in the wall when I hear good things. I shouldn't have the urge to break a window when a friend signs a $3000 contract or get hired for anything. Those are good things and I need to be better than this.

I'm just tired of struggling. It's been years since I decided to do this sort of thing for a living and the entire thing has been a rough fuckin' journey. I never had my feet firmly planted and life just keeps bum-rushing me---blocking me. It's always one step forward and two steps back, which is extremely annoying. I just need a break from all this negativity and bad luck. Just one solid lead that actually turns out to bare some fruit, is all. I just need an opportunity---just one fuckin' opportunity, for shit's sake.

I need good fortune or, at the very least, I need these obstacles to calm down so I can do it on my own. At this point, just give me something.      

Shit.

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